Sick of trying to make other people happy at the expense of my own happiness

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    Tezcatlipoca
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    Sick of trying to make other people happy at the expense of my own happiness

    Post  Tezcatlipoca on Sat Nov 12, 2011 12:05 pm

    I am. bleh

    You know? My philosophy for living since beginning this mental nutrition kick last month has been simple—if it isn't making you happy and it isn't leading to growth of some kind, cut it the fuck out of your life immediately. I am beginning to realize now more than ever this extends to people who are, for want of a better term, vampiric. The problem is whenever I try to be more selfish—not even really selfish, actually, but just self preserving—I actually feel kind of guilty, although I know on some level I really shouldn't. I'm not really the unassertive type, mind you. I don't have a terribly hard time saying no to people, I just feel like I should be a "bigger person" every time I do.

    Not sure what to do about this... Emo


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    Re: Sick of trying to make other people happy at the expense of my own happiness

    Post  Lysser on Thu Nov 17, 2011 8:33 pm

    It's like you took the words right out of my head.

    Good luck trying to change this. I hope you do. Just be forewarned that people will notice you acting differently and will put up a fight or a fuss when they notice you being a little more selfish, especially the vampiric people in your life. You already feel guilty enough. Just imagine all of these people trying to make you feel MORE guilty.

    If you figure out a way to make this work in a relatively stress-free and seamless manner, please let me know. Sad


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    Re: Sick of trying to make other people happy at the expense of my own happiness

    Post  knave on Fri Nov 18, 2011 4:39 pm

    Understand your viewpoint; it's a wasted effort on many people. However, making another person happy -- assuming that the other person is the right person for you -- can be the main source of your own happiness. That's a cliche, but I think there's truth there.
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    Vampires

    Post  Tezcatlipoca on Fri Dec 09, 2011 7:40 am

    This has to be the best article ever written on mental/emotional vampirism and how it slowly erodes the quality of your life in the most mundane yet shitty of ways. Worth reading in full.

    I am the classic textbook case of The Rescuer. The hero who suits up and leaps into action. Bruce Willis, who can never mind his own business but must poke around to see what's going on and ends up fighting for his life. The Rescuer is a giver, and he is almost always drawn to the needy dysfunctional Professional Victim. A Professional Victim is someone who never, ever takes responsibility for anything that goes on in their own lives. A Professional Victim is a whiner and a crybaby who makes excuses for even the most wretched behavior. Someone who spends far more energy finding someone to blame for a problem than fixing the problem itself.

    Together, the Rescuer and The Professional Victim make one hell of a team. It is a co-dependent bond where neither is fully functional without the other. My friend is a personable and friendly and funny guy, a great guy to hang out with, but a guy who is crippled by deep insecurity and self-loathing. A brother who is so self-destructive he ultimately ruins every relationship in his life, and leaves a trail of wounded souls everywhere he goes. This is a man who cannot abide any position but the top spot, a guy who must be in charge and must be seen and must bask in the glory of applause and accolades, but who would spend seven to eight hours a day whining to me and seeking advice. Advice he'd never follow, and so would ultimately make his situation worse which would then lead to, yes, another seven or eight hours of whining and seeking advice that he wouldn't take and then would go and make things worse yet again.

    I suppose most everyone, at some point or another, has a guy like this in their life. Or a woman. Someone who is ultimately incapable of running their own lives and who feed off of yours as though you were a Duracell battery. This kind of narcissism borders on psychotic. This kind of person can best be described as a George.

    http://digitalpriest.com/legacy/viewpoint/george.html


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    Re: Sick of trying to make other people happy at the expense of my own happiness

    Post  Lysser on Fri Dec 09, 2011 6:55 pm

    Oh yes, this is spot on. I'm glad the writer mentioned narcissism because that definitely plays a huge role in all of this.

    I play the Rescuer role ad nauseum, not that I don't have my moments of narcissism, whiny "my life is shit" moments, but I find myself feeling like I need to take care of everyone and everything-- in my family, at work, in friendships. I am definitely the one that takes the reigns or feels guilty when she doesn't.

    Yes, it slowly erodes away quality of life. It sneaks up on you, too, because it's so gradual.

    Breaking this cycle is fucking hard, though. How the hell do you do it? HOW?

    I'm also going to forward this article to Saison because I think she should also read this.

    Thanks, Tez.



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    Re: Sick of trying to make other people happy at the expense of my own happiness

    Post  Tezcatlipoca on Sat Dec 10, 2011 10:14 am

    Lysser wrote:Oh yes, this is spot on. I'm glad the writer mentioned narcissism because that definitely plays a huge role in all of this.

    obvobv

    Lysser wrote:
    Breaking this cycle is fucking hard, though. How the hell do you do it? HOW?

    Excellent question. I will let you know when I find out! Lately I've just been reminding myself morning, noon and night about what is really important to me and why. And as I do this, I find it easier to just say no. Basically I try to grow and by doing so, set an example for those around me. Maybe.

    Lysser wrote:I'm also going to forward this article to Saison because I think she should also read this.

    Thanks, Tez.

    Party hard.

    Side note: why does no one use the actual thanks system? Too unintuitive? Que?


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