New Article: How to Be the Perfect Troll

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    Tezcatlipoca
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    New Article: How to Be the Perfect Troll

    Post  Tezcatlipoca on Thu Mar 01, 2012 5:12 pm

    I wrote this for Optifuck but anyone interested in fucking with people, online and off, can get something out of it TrolLOLOL

    http://blog.headexplode.net/2012/03/how-to-be-perfect-troll.html


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    Re: New Article: How to Be the Perfect Troll

    Post  Number 6 on Sun Mar 04, 2012 11:40 pm

    Well..... I guess you just went and told everyone almost all the tricks to my trade.... Whatever will we do with you? Tongue

    But really, you've hit several nail heads there. As I read it I realised how systematic it's become, without even realising it sometimes a lot of people have this worked out like a science. You wrapped it up very neatly, cheers.

    Do you still see yourself writing an addendum? I feel the story isn't quite finished yet.
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    Re: New Article: How to Be the Perfect Troll

    Post  Tezcatlipoca on Mon Mar 05, 2012 10:26 am

    Aye cap'n. This is just the primer on guerilla tactics. I think Volume II will deal with the finer points of being an effective troll, i.e., being an articulate fool; going from "U mad bro?" to "Dost thou anger, fraternal sibling?" troll Faux intellectualism is its own very irritating school of trolling. There's a dude named Cowpunk who could write the book on it.

    I actually think a lot of it works better face to face than online. For instance, have you ever met someone who switches to an accent to pronounce a single word? Specifically, something in French, e.g., pronouncing Paris pair-ee. It's subtle but pretentious. Kinda like referring to yourself in the third person as "one." There's a whole laundry list of shit like that awaiting its own article. Grin

    Edit: Also, the bulk of the article above was sort of written under the assumption that you are trolling a social liberal, as you tend to meet quite a few of them online, particularly among the under 40 crowd. I have a whole truckload of tricks and tips for trolling a conservative in particular. Here's a big one, just to whet your appetite: accuse them of being a liberal. It drives them batshit fucking insane like nothing else. troll

    "What? You don't think we should nuke North Korea? Let me guess, you voted for Obama and think we should all just hold hands and braid each others' hair? unamused If I buy you a one way ticket to Swedish welfare paradise, will you promise to never come back?"

    "...stupid lib."


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    Re: New Article: How to Be the Perfect Troll

    Post  Tezcatlipoca on Mon Jan 20, 2014 11:27 am

    Found my original draft of this article from 2010, if anyone cares.



      A new protocol for stupidity I intend to implement effective immediately

       Because sharing is caring, I leave this here as a handy reference for others (Guido et al).

       In no particular order of importance:

       1. Begin correcting people on inappropriate use of your and you're as well as their, they're, and there when they were already using them correctly and in fact my "correction" will be the mistake.

       2. CAPS LOCK IS STILL CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL. BUT I REALIZE NOW IT HAS IT'S* LIMITATIONS. IT CAN'T BE OVERUSED AS IT IS A VERY HEAVY HANDED WAY TO GO ABOUT THINGS. YOU DON'T USE A BAZOOKA AS A FLY SWATTER.

       *[please note the inappropriate use of an apostrophe; subtle, but deliberate. More on this later.]

       3. Make a post, then wait 30 seconds and make the same post under the pretense that the server was lagging and I accidentally submitted the initial post twice to compensate.

       4. This one is tough but I intend to use as little punctuation as possible while still using punctuation; inappropriately, Run on sentences are encouraged. but not required. Bonus points for: style

       5. Contextually ambiguous pronouns muddy even the clearest of dialogues. Verb confusion is another favorite. I also intend to use words improperly (wrong meaning) as well as inappropriately (in poor taste). If I can, I'll even try to use improper functions, i.e., adjectives as nouns. But this will be reserved for polysyllabic words—understandable mistakes.

       6. Use a ridiculously large image in my signature, one that won't even fit on the page, if possible. The idea being I am both unfamiliar with the resizing feature now offered on virtually all image hosting sites and unaware of how obnoxious this behavior is.

       7. At some point I'll need to pick a minority and develop an innately irrational prejudice. I like gays a lot because you can go in a lot of different directions, namely whatever is most inappropriate to the discussion at the time. E.g., someone says "I took my kids to the park today," and I respond by how sickened I am by public displays of faggotry.

       8. Will anyone trade their 1995 WebTV for my high end PC? I find the mouse with its many buttons and bearings intimidating. Remote controls are more familiar/less threatening

       More to come.

       Last edited by TeZCaTLiPoCa; 08-30-2010 at 01:16 PM. Reason: c0ck

    9. Inappropriate use of emoticons. Someone will post "My dog just died" and I'll respond, "Damn, that sucks. Laugh" The hard part is finding a way to make it look like you did this accidentally out of stupidity/ineptitude rather than intentionally out of sarcasm.

    10. Responding to posts/threads that are directed specifically—either by thread title or use of the quote function—at another member, being careful not to actually answer the question itself. I don't know how many of you pay attention closely but I've actually been doing this one off and on for something like 6 months now.

    11. Create a thread about "shadow people" and expect to be taken seriously. Succeed swimmingly.

    12. Write exclusively in IM bastardization of the English language. Again, this is nothing new, it just needs to be taken to the next level. On a forum filled exclusively with idiots, the universal pastime seems to be to type "lol" and post it as a response without quoting what you found comical. So it looks like you're responding lol to whatever post is directly above yours even if the thing you actually laughed at was 3 pages earlier and you're now lol'ing at the announcement someone's child was just murdered and cannibalized. Actually, this is another thing I've been doing for years in the spirit of ironic stupidity, just not on DA.

    13. ĽmĀŌ ĿŐŏĶ ăţ MĖ ĭm ŦŷÞīŅĢ ıŃ ŨŃıČŏĐė ŴőăĦ! ŢĦįŠ ŦąĶēŞ ă ĢŖēăŦ ĐěăĻ ōƒ ŤłmĒ ßūŤ čĬèäřĺŷ ťħīş ĩŠ ÞŘēŢŦŷ ĜőĐ ĎâMŃēĎ ƒŨČĶıŃĢ ŔēŤǻŘĐėĎ.

    14. As I may have mentioned earlier, I credit optimus with being the first to really make use of thanking the dumbest posts imaginable for irony's sake. Pot Roast also did this but its unclear to me how much of it was intended as irony. I'm almost a little jealous I didn't think of this myself but I intend to make up for it by using it whenever someone types something racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, or otherwise bigoted. Also, when people conflate political and religious ideologies into one formless mass.

    15. I'm sure you've seen this already but I entertain myself if no one else with non-sequitur image responses. I.e., "Holy shit! A Lion in a tree!" Until recently it didn't occur to me to use the wrong type of animal to boot, an oversight I intend to rectify in the near future.






    Note: I actually used that leopard in a tree pic on Zordar's forum when he asked me to create a troll account back in 2010. Heh.


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    Re: New Article: How to Be the Perfect Troll

    Post  This Fuckin Guy on Wed Mar 19, 2014 8:18 pm

    lol, good shit.  i luv it.

    I had a bunch of trolling ideas a while back about creating personas with really bizarre quirks that manage to annoy the FUCK out of everyone.  I should've wrote them down.  One of them was typing "i luv it" after your own jokes and whenever someone thought they "owned" someone, but clearly didn't. I'm not exactly sure why this idea was so appealing to me.

    I really love your idea of always confusing you're and your and insisting you're correction is correct.  Fuck, that would be infuriating.

    Your old caps lock rampages were absolute genius.

    lol @ the inappropriate use of emoticons.
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    Re: New Article: How to Be the Perfect Troll

    Post  Lysser on Wed Apr 09, 2014 12:53 am

    Ahahahaha. A thread about "shadow people" WOULD, unfortunately, succeed swimmingly.


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